My Dear Readers, you know the drill. Yes, it’s been another year of marriage so this is my annual post. If you are new here, I’ve been doing this stream of consciousness for several years because I’m still learning about life, Peter, our marriage, and myself.
- Marriage isn’t for everyone. There were many times we weren’t sure it was for us.
- Marriage didn’t make us adults but it did force us to make very grown up decisions neither of us might have made or
had to make had we not been married.
Donuts are a love language.
- Peter’s parents have both passed, but the saying “you marry each other’s family” still rings true. It’s not the actual family members, though that’s part of it. It’s the dynamics, the norms, etc.
- I am now in the season of life where I could become part of “the other family” someone marries into. That is exciting and terrifying. It was tough enough to be married. I can’t image being an in-law.
- I am still a strong believer that preparing for my marriage was more important that planning my wedding.
- That said, looking back at our wedding, there are still things that I wish had been different and I had fought for. (PAY FOR A GREAT PHOTOGRAPHER. No, My Dear Reader, we did not have a great photographer.)
- #6 is actually about marriage and how I entered into it. Thirty three years ago, I was not sure of myself and didn’t know how to pick and choose battles.
- Speaking of battles, we still need our sleep and rest to argue well.
- Therefore, “don’t let the sun fall on your anger” didn’t work for us. Maybe it works for others, but we need our sleep.
- Speaking of sleep, Peter’s CPAP is great, but he bought me these comfy earbuds that play soothing noises and wakes me up with an alarm while cancelling out his CPAP. Sometimes the best gifts aren’t diamonds.
- Love is not the same as romance. Our marriage has require more love than romance, but romance never hurt.
- The key to our marriage has been allowing each other to change. For example, I used to make the bed every morning, swallowing my bitterness. And then I made just my half of the bed. And then he started making the bed around the time I suggested we use separate blankets (Scandinavian sleep method).
- Most changes have not been linear or predictable. MENOPAUSE. I’m done with that, but no matter how much you read about it or talk about it, your body will do whatever she pleases.
- The Scandinavian sleep method would’ve been great during perimenopause, but I’m loving it now.
- Clear communication AND understanding continues to be important and challenging as we get older. I mentioned being open to adopting a senior cat after the boys move out with their cats. Peter surprised me with a kitten.
- Continuing with the theme of clear communication and understanding: when I got over the shock of being surprised with a kitten for Christmas, I was able to communicate my confusion and frustration.
- Speaking about change, I have learned I am a great kitten/cat mom. I got over the shock and frustration of being forced into kitten ownership. My kitten is sitting on my lap right now. People change.
- Marriage continues to surprise me. I don’t know why, but I really thought that by now nothing would surprise me. Again, who knew a kitten would be one of my favorite surprise gifts from Peter?
- Also some things never change. One of my favorite things about my house is separate sinks in our bathroom. I like my personal space.
- I don’t know if I have ever mentioned this, but I also wish we had gotten a king bed earlier in our marriage. Again, if you and yours like to be close and snuggle, more power to you. It’s never too late to realize you like to snuggle, have sex, and then retreat to your own space on the bed.
- I didn’t know how disruptive menopause could be to my sex drive. I’ve been talking with my PCP about that.
- I also don’t know how disruptive a kitten could be to our sex life. Munjii, my kitten, is allowed to sleep on our bed. Sometimes Munji sleeps, sometimes he plays. My recommendation is for couples to do more research about potential pets and where they should sleep BEFORE you surprise your spouse with a pet.
- Moving on from the surprise kitten, romance doesn’t have to be surprise grand gestures. When Peter comes home from work, he comes straight to me and gives me a kiss.
- There are more than five love languages. (And the author of that book wasn’t a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. He has a Ph.D. in adult education from a SBC-affiliated seminary.)
- We gave and give each other time and space to change – change careers, goals, spiritual beliefs, etc., to change our minds and preferences.
- Time to change has also meant making some mistakes along the way. I try not to remind him too often about the times I was right.
- Being right doesn’t make me a better person, but I do like being right. And so does he. We are both firstborns.
- Keep life fun, even when the world is burning. We like to see movies during opening weekend and go to concerts (with earplugs ).
- We don’t have to do everything together. He goes to Pilates. I do not. I go out for coffee. He does not drink coffee.
- Sometimes we do things together because we enjoy the other person’s joy. He doesn’t mind going thrifting with me, and I don’t mind going to certain movies with him. And we have found the things we love to do together – the library book sale and Costco.
- My female friendships have been critical. They let me vent with no judgment, take my side with no questions asked, and then remind me that I actually love Peter.
- It takes both of us to be committed not only to the survival of our marriage but the flourishing of our marriage. When we have half-a$$ed marriage we could tell, and I know we didn’t get to 32 years by half-a$$ing it for too long. Full a$$ effort, folks.
My Dear Readers who are married, what are you learning? For those who aren’t, what have you learned from your singleness that we marrieds could learn from?